Tuesday, June 22, 2010

This is Getting Serious. Fast.

This past weekend, I had the privilege of spending the weekend with the bf's fam.  I say privilege and mean it.  The weekend was enjoyable, and low-key.  

It's scaring me.  And I mean that too.  Every single relationship I've ever had, where I've let myself fall for someone, has ended abruptly and without reason.  In the past I've chalked that up to men being idiots.  Or, perhaps it's something wrong with me.  Either way, I am petrified it's going to happen again.  I don't know what to do.

I think the bf has fallen hard for me too.  At least, that's what he says.  We're about 7 month in, and he's brought up marriage.  He ended a 4 year relationship in September, and met me in November.  I am trying to logically tell myself that if I were the re-bound chicky, it would long be over.  But it just weighs in the back of my mind that I am somehow still THAT girl.  What if he's with me for 4 years and decides that he's only had 2 serious relationships?  What if he decides that he needs to play the field?  

I guess these questions all come up in any relationship; after all, there are people who are married for 30+ years and then break-up.  I guess I'm looking for the answers where I'm not going to find any.

I'm falling and I'm falling hard.  I don't give love easily, nor do I trust easily.  Just when I thought I would never find someone for me, it seems as though I've found that perfect someone who compliments me in all ways and who understands me.  I think I'm so afraid to lose that ideal that my fear may cause him to run.  I’ve picked fights and searched for reasons to argue, trying to find that reason to distrust him, like I’ve had in relationships before.  I’m just so afraid to lose him.

For a *Canadian Girl who’s used to being on her own, this is a scary thought.  Yet I’m excited just the same.


*Canadian Girl

1 comment:

  1. Ahh tis better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all...

    Enjoy it without worry. Your fears will only taint your relationship and poison it from the inside. Take a step back, relax and just go with the flow!