Monday, November 16, 2009

Six Ways to Find Mr. Wrong

Weird name.  Weird title.  I guess I’m 2 for 2. 

I need to vent.  Certain details have been left out .  Why?  Anonymity.
I’m in a “love funk”.  I’m just out of a horrible relationship .  I don’t mean horrible in a literal way.  I mean horrible in an I-love-you-so-much-but-you’re-three-provinces-away-and-we-can’t-be-together kind of a way.  Ok, and I guess I’m not JUST out – it’s been 6 months.  Whatever.  I’m a girl and I’m having trouble getting over my first love.  Get over it.

Our relationship was doomed from the beginning.  I’m sure of this.  When we met, we were in our last year of university and both in relationships with other people.  This should’ve been a sign.  I should’ve stayed the F away.  We hung out as friends, and it quickly grew to more.  We got physical.  We started dating.  We were still dating the other people.  Sign #1. 

We hid our relationship – but I’m sure people had their suspisions – even on our graduation trip where he followed his ex around the ENTIRE F-ing resort.  Sign #2.  He held hands with me when no one was looking, but otherwise wanted to pretend we were just friends.  Sign #3.

Our so called hidden relationship went on for another few months.  Not peachy, but not as horrible as mentioned above either.  He drops a bomb: I’ve been offered a job in another province and I think I’m going to take it.  “What about me?” , I asked.  “Well, you just don’t fit into the equation” was his simple, yet telling answer.  Sign #4.  Knowin he was moving in a matter of months when we graduated and were supposed to be starting our lives together, I still stayed in the relationship.  Why?  I don’t really know.  I felt something.  I thought he did too.

Fast forward to our very last exam.  Marketing.  April 25th, 2008.  I remember it like it was yesterday.  I went to his house after the exam.  He sat next to me on the couch and dumped me.  Just like that.  Threw me to the curb and dismissed my feelings because he had to “move without thinking about me in all his changes”.  Sign #5.  I cried.  I cried so hard.  I didn’t eat.  I lost weight.  How could he have done that to me?  I found myself wondering if anything was ever real with him.  Was I so wrong about him?  Who was he?  And why did he do this to me?

I tried to pick up the pieces of my broken self and carry on and start my life.  I got a full time job.  I joined  a gym.  I begun to heal.  I open my email one day and there he is.  It’s a month before he leaves and he’s declaring his undying love to me.  He’s saying how much he misses me and how much he wants me back.  He hasn’t moved yet.  I was weak and vulnerable and I’m convinced he knew this.  I took him back knowing full well in a few short weeks we’d be provinces apart for an undefined amount of time.

Things went peachy.  We supported each other and visited as much as we could with the distance and hours between us.  We fell in love; we fell deeply in love.  I was silly and even thought I’d marry him.  We took trips and got dogs.  We went shopping and watched movies.  We visited each other with every chance.  But sadly, the visits got fewer and further between.  Sign #6. 

May 3rd, 2009.  After my best friend’s housewarming party and a fight over Blackberry Messenger, I hadn’t heard from him all day.  I spent the time waiting and waiting for a call or a message, the lump in my throat growing with every waking hour.  Eventually, he called.  Again, he dumped me.  Said he didn’t feel the same way anymore and that he’d been feeling this way for a long time.  Sure was news to me.  I sat there and sobbed.  I was in pieces again.  I stayed this way for a very long time, and don’t know that I’ll ever fully heal.

He still tries to come in and out of my life.  Stupidly, I let him.  What will happen with us?  I don’t know.  I don’t think I’ll ever be able to trust him again; after all he could just dump me again out of the blue.

But I think you always will have a soft spot in your heart for your first love.  The one person who changed every ounce of your hard heart into one capable of loving and who broke down walls and opened you up.  He was the one I thought I’d marry.  I worry that I’ll never fully heal.  It’s been 6 months and though I’m not in as many pieces as I once was, the pieces that have gone back together are my heart – closed off to love – and the wall that keeps people out.  Maybe, just maybe I’ll eventually find someone who can; someone who’s worthy enough to soften my heart again and tear the wall down permanently.  Until then, I’ll try to piece myself back together and maintain the façade that I’m whole, when on the inside, I’m never going to be the same. 

The one woman who gives me hope that I’ll find my other half is my fellow blogger and a woman I aspire to be, Maegan, over at  …love Maegan.  She once posted the following quote, which is hung both on my mirror and at my desk at work: “Believe in yourself.  Believe in love.  Believe that nothing is just a coincidence.  Just believe”. 

Until I find Mr. Right, I’ll just have to believe.


*Canadian Girl

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